Clean, Friendly Jokes

[Jason Spoor]

Private Jones was assigned to the Army Induction Center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the Center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

[Jason Spoor]

A young officer is working late at the Pentagon one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8:00 p.m. he sees a General standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.

"Do you know how to work this thing?" the General asks. "My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it."

"Yes, sir," says the young officer, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the General, and feeds it in.

(PAUSE)

"Now," says the General, "I just need one copy....."

[Jason Spoor]

SIGNS THAT DON'T QUITE GIVE THE INTENDED MESSAGE

On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant …"Blackened bluefish"

In a Maine restaurant … "Open seven days a week and weekends."

On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store … "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."

On a New York convalescent home … "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church"

Outside a country shop in West Virginia … "We buy junk and sell antiques."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store … "15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!"

A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago … "Do not activate with wet hands."

In a New York restaurant … "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."

In the offices of a New Jersey loan company …"Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In the window of an Oregon general store … "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

In downtown Boston … "Callahan Tunnel - NO END"

On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon …"Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."

On a Tennessee highway … "Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut … "No trespassing without permission."

In a New York medical building … "Mental Health Prevention Center"






SIGNS THAT MAKE YOU STOP AND WONDER

At a number of US military bases … "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

In a Florida maternity ward … "No children allowed."

In front of a New Hampshire car wash … "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

In a Los Angeles clothing store … "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

In a Texas funeral parlor … "Ask about our layaway plan."

[Jason Spoor]

A blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a vicar, a priest, a rabbi, two giraffes and a duck, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant, an IRS agent, a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinese, an Irishman, an Englishman, a Scotsman and a redneck walk into a bar.

The barman says: "Hang on a minute. What is this, some kind of joke?

[Jason Spoor]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini-van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do.

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"Because she just died and left me everything."

[Cheryl McNeil (Cole)]

I have not been reading these joke pages, but my mom (Pat Cole) does and she told me that they are funny, so I just read all SEVEN pages of jokes and a lot of them had me falling out of my chair laughing. Thanks for the good time!

[Jason Spoor]

Thank you Cheryl!!!!!!! I am glad to hear these have made you laugh - i'll try to keep up the good work and I hope all others who have posted a joke will. Hopefully none of these jokes have offended you or anyone else. I try to keep 'em clean but that can be a bit of a challenge for me.

[Cheryl McNeil (Cole)]

Nope, I wasn't offended at all. Keep 'em coming!! I'll give you a riddle. It'll be corny, but it's one that makes me smile, cuz my brother told it to me many, Many, MANY years ago.

Question: What is a 10-letter word that starts with gas?

Answer: Automobile!!

I warned you it was a dud!

[Pat Cole]

It'll be corny, but it's one that makes me smile, cuz my brother told it to me many, Many, MANY years ago.

Which brother was this, Cheryl? If I had to guess i would say Rob.

[Jason Spoor]

Question: What is a 10-letter word that starts with gas?

Answer: Automobile!!

Yes!!! Great work!!

[Jason Spoor]

After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented, "The choir was awful this morning."

The father commented, "The sermon was too long."

Their 7-year-old daughter added, "You've got to admit it was a pretty good show for a dollar."

[Jason Spoor]

The boy came skipping into the house with a big lollipop in his hands.

"Where did you get that?" his mother asked.

"I bought it with the quarter you gave me."

"The quarter I gave you was for Sunday School."

"I know Mom," said the boy, "but the minister met me at the door and got me in free."

[Jason Spoor]

A man receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium.......he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!

About halfway through the first quarter he notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man replies "No". Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967." "Well, that's terribly sad. But still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?" "No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."

[Cheryl McNeil (Cole)]

Which brother was this, Cheryl? If I had to guess i would say Rob.




Nope, it was CARL.

[Jason Spoor]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving 'hearses' for the last 25 years!!!!

[Jason Spoor]

After school one day, a young first-grade boy was sitting at the kitchen table, eating his afternoon snack, when he blurted out, "Mom, the teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."

The boy's mother replied, "That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when you told her you are the only child?"

She just said, "Thank goodness!"

[Jason Spoor]

Three engineers are riding down the road in a car. Suddenly, the car begins to develop trouble. It's sputtering and it sounds like it's going to stall.

The first engineer is a chemical engineer. He says, "It could be something in the fuel line. Lets put an additive into the gas and maybe that will take care of the problem."

The second engineer is an electrical engineer. She says, "It could be something in the electrical system. Let's replace the wires and the distributor cap. Maybe that will take care of the problem."

The third engineer is a software engineer from Microsoft. He says, "It could be that we have too many windows open. Let's close all the windows, turn off the car, then restart the car and open all the windows again. Maybe that will take care of the problem."

[Jen Derbyshire]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving 'hearses' for the last 25 years!!!!

HAHAHA! This one made me choke on my english muffin!

BTW- Cheryl, you didn't live in Elk Creek did you?

[Jason Spoor]

One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."

[Jason Spoor]

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his Patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he Coached his patients to respond to his commands. When The day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they All sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Boooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he re turned, there was a riot in progress.
Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"
The assistant replied, "Well everything was going
Just fine until this guy walked by and yelled,
"PEANUTS!"