Clean, Friendly Jokes

Casey Fisher · Post by **Casey Fisher** » Tue Jun 19, 2007 9:56 am

Jason Spoor wrote:A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his Patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he Coached his patients to respond to his commands. When The day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they All sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Boooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he re turned, there was a riot in progress.
Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"
The assistant replied, "Well everything was going
Just fine until this guy walked by and yelled,
"PEANUTS!"

Back in the saddle Roops. Back in the saddle. Great first joke back after the time off. This joke reminded me of the movie "The Dream Team" with the insane asylum going to a baseball game. LOL.

Jason Spoor · Post by **Jason Spoor** » Wed Jun 20, 2007 5:25 am

A man was eating a meal at a restaurant. He checks his pockets and leaves his tip -- three pennies. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."

The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"

"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man."

Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough."

"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor."

Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too."

"And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."

Jason Spoor · Post by **Jason Spoor** » Thu Jun 21, 2007 5:29 am

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.

"Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T ?" she asked the instructor.

" P-U-T-T is correct," he replied. " P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. And P-U-T-T means a vain attempt to do the same thing."

Casey Fisher · Post by **Casey Fisher** » Thu Jun 21, 2007 7:52 am

Jason Spoor wrote:" P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. And P-U-T-T means a vain attempt to do the same thing."

Especially for us hackers out there.

Jason Spoor · Post by **Jason Spoor** » Fri Jun 22, 2007 6:40 am

Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC.

A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought each one a bag.

The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?" replied the curious brother

"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

Jason Spoor · Post by **Jason Spoor** » Mon Jun 25, 2007 5:25 am

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy", replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

Jason Spoor · Post by **Jason Spoor** » Tue Jun 26, 2007 5:30 am

A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk my son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else."

He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal ... it's called golf."

Jason Spoor · Post by **Jason Spoor** » Wed Jun 27, 2007 5:25 am

A man had a ticket for the theater but when he was seated by the usher, he found that he was too far from the stage.

He whispered to the usher, "This is a mystery play, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks at the quarter, frowns at him, then leans over and whispers, ............ "The wife did it."

Jason Spoor · Post by **Jason Spoor** » Thu Jun 28, 2007 5:26 am

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a snack, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.

He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He asks "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He responds, "Geez...oooh....I..."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

Jason Spoor · Post by **Jason Spoor** » Fri Jun 29, 2007 5:28 am

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

Jason Spoor · Post by **Jason Spoor** » Mon Jul 02, 2007 5:23 am

A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on Park Avenue getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank called Teste....."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, what are you doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.

The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome young steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me." Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really? .... What did he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the lousy hairdo?"

Jason Spoor · Post by **Jason Spoor** » Tue Jul 03, 2007 5:29 am

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

Jason Spoor · Post by **Jason Spoor** » Thu Jul 05, 2007 5:19 am

A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

"Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"

"Ten," said Buffy.

So the girl bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.

"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"

"Yeah!" said Buffy. "So did I."

Casey Fisher · Post by **Casey Fisher** » Thu Jul 05, 2007 7:58 am

Jason Spoor wrote:A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

"Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"

"Ten," said Buffy.

So the girl bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.

"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"

"Yeah!" said Buffy. "So did I."

Booooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!! LOL.

Jason Spoor · Post by **Jason Spoor** » Fri Jul 06, 2007 5:33 am

A Texas rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and
knocked at the door.

A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked.

'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'

Well said the rancher, 'is yer Mom here?'

'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'

'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'

'He went with Mom and Dad.'

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the
other and mumbling to himself.

'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I knows where
all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'

'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer
Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.'

The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that'
he finally conceded.
If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog,
but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'

Jason Spoor · Post by **Jason Spoor** » Tue Jul 31, 2007 5:38 am

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft
mechanics in PITTSBURGH. One day the airport was fogged in and they
were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim said, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a
buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they poured themselves a couple of glasses
of high octane hootch and got completely smashed.
The next morning Bud woke up and was surprised at how good he felt. In
fact he felt GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.... Nothing!

Then the phone rang. It was Jim. Jim said, "Hey, how do you feel this
morning?"

Bud said, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim said, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud said, "No. That jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We
ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No "

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver ."

Jason Spoor · Post by **Jason Spoor** » Wed Aug 01, 2007 5:38 am

A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game. The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run!!!" The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN!! RUN!!" The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans. The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: "Walk." The batter starts his slow trot to first base. The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard rrrun!" The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down. A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He can't run -- he has four balls." The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"

Casey Fisher · Post by **Casey Fisher** » Wed Aug 01, 2007 7:24 am

Good work on this one Roops...

Post by **Simon Miller** » Wed Aug 01, 2007 7:31 am

Good work Roops. I have been neglecting the jokes thread, but I just read a page or two of the latest and you are in fine form young man.

Dawn VanVleet · Post by **Dawn VanVleet** » Wed Aug 01, 2007 12:51 pm

Heard this at work last week.....

You know why cannibals wont eat clowns?

Cause they taste funny...
har har har