Clean, Friendly Jokes

[Mike Dye]

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.



"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"



"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.


"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

[Jason Spoor]

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[Casey Fisher]

Good work both Mike and Roops!!!

[Jason Spoor]

Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."

[Cheryl McNeil (Cole)]

Chuckle, chuckle.

[Jason Spoor]

A Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning when he had made her coffee.

She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV-'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

[Jason Spoor]

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his
sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,
"You died in your sleep, Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be!
I've got too much to live for. Send me back!
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back,
and that is as a chicken."

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near
his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and
pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh?
How's your first day here?"

"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange
Feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster.
"Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"

"Never," said Ralph.

"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon
Laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the
Back of his head, and heard his wife shout.....

"Dammit Ralph! Wake up! You're shittin in the bed!"

[Jason Spoor]

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands
them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman,calmly.

"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...

"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!".

[Jason Spoor]

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently.



Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed & the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.



Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.

Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.



After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.



"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow.

"Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.



Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

[Jason Spoor]

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

[Jason Spoor]

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than
his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother
that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,

"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

[Jason Spoor]

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

[Jason Spoor]

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

[Jason Spoor]

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

[Ken Lagerquist]

A guy walks into a bar,and bets the bartender 20.00 he can bite his eye. Bartender says ok, so the dude pops out his wooden eye and bites it. So a little while later he bets the bartender 40.00 he can bite his other eye. The bartender says to himself, " i saw this guy come in i know he's not blind",and says ok. So the dude pops out his wooden teeth, puts them up to his other eye and bites it. Bartender is out 60.00 and is pissed. The guy shoots pool for a wile with some friends, comes back to the bartender and says, I'll bet you 100.00 i can stand 3 feet away from the bar and piss into a shot glass right to the line and not spill 1 drop. The bartender says your on, lets go. So the guy whips it out,a nd pissed all over the bar,it's running down the front,it's running down the back,fills the glass overflowing,just hoses down the place. The bartender is laughing and the guy is laughing while he's paying the bartender. Then the bartender says, "you lost why are laughing?" The guy says "I bet those guys back there $500 i could piss all over your bar and you wouldnt get mad".....
__________________

[Mike Nordin]

LOL, looks like Roops has some competition.

[Jason Spoor]

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

[Jason Spoor]

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The policeman said, "What's he like?"

Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

[Jason Spoor]

A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!" A sudden silence descends.

After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.

He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!" Once again, the bar is silent.

He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?" A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.

"You got a problem, buddy?"

"Oh no; I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

[Casey Fisher]

Attaboy Roops... This reminds me of something you would do at a bar. LOL.