Clean, Friendly Jokes

Casey Fisher · Post by **Casey Fisher** » Wed Jan 17, 2007 4:00 pm

I figured I would start this thread topic for Big Daddy Roops to post his "joke of the day". Everyone else is free to post a joke or two as well...

Alright Roops, Simon & I are counting on you to come up with a big one tomorrow as we have had the 2-week hiatus with no jokes.

Post by **Simon Miller** » Wed Jan 17, 2007 5:07 pm

I just approved Roops so I hope he hits this place up quick and keeps up his great tradition.

Jason Spoor · Post by **Jason Spoor** » Wed Jan 17, 2007 5:20 pm

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9 year old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? And... What the word team means?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker- head. Do you understand all that?"

Once again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a "dumb ass" is it?"

Again, the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."

Jason Spoor · Post by **Jason Spoor** » Thu Jan 18, 2007 6:10 am

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the
salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of
pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde
seems to have a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman
then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very
small - what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they
are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not
need curtains!"

The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!"

Casey Fisher · Post by **Casey Fisher** » Thu Jan 18, 2007 9:21 am

Good work Roops. Glad to have the joke of the day back...

Post by **Simon Miller** » Thu Jan 18, 2007 9:25 am

Attaboy Roops. I too am glad to have the JOTD back.

Jason Spoor · Post by **Jason Spoor** » Thu Jan 18, 2007 9:45 am

Thanks fellas, it's good to be back!

Jason Spoor · Post by **Jason Spoor** » Fri Jan 19, 2007 6:25 am

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

Jason Spoor · Post by **Jason Spoor** » Mon Jan 22, 2007 6:16 am

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"

A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."

Casey Fisher · Post by **Casey Fisher** » Mon Jan 22, 2007 9:23 am

That is hilarious. Good way to start off the week Roops.

Jason Spoor · Post by **Jason Spoor** » Mon Jan 22, 2007 10:57 am

Thank you kindly CBF.

Jason Spoor · Post by **Jason Spoor** » Tue Jan 23, 2007 6:21 am

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat."

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

Jason Spoor · Post by **Jason Spoor** » Wed Jan 24, 2007 6:20 am

Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.

"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"

"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."

Jason Spoor · Post by **Jason Spoor** » Thu Jan 25, 2007 6:26 am

A 3rd-grade girl came home from school. She was very happy, and her Mom noticed this. Mom asked, "What makes you so happy today?" The girl said, "Mom, we learned how to make babies in school today!"

Thinking that 3rd grade was a bit early for that, she asked her daughter to tell her how.

"It's easy, Mom -- you just drop the y, and add ies," the daughter said.

Casey Fisher · Post by **Casey Fisher** » Thu Jan 25, 2007 8:51 am

LOL Roops.

Jason Spoor · Post by **Jason Spoor** » Fri Jan 26, 2007 6:20 am

A man went to his lawyer and said "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer says "Don't worry, leave it all to me".

The man looks somewhat upset ... "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice - but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!

Jason Spoor · Post by **Jason Spoor** » Mon Jan 29, 2007 6:28 am

A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.

Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive only some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

Jason Spoor · Post by **Jason Spoor** » Tue Jan 30, 2007 6:21 am

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words.

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).

But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"

The princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said: "Pardon?"

Jason Spoor · Post by **Jason Spoor** » Wed Jan 31, 2007 6:30 am

A man had just finished reading the book "Man of the House" while riding the commuter train home from work.

When he reached home, he stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing his finger in her face, he said, "From now on I want you to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You are to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife thought for a moment and responded, "The funeral director is my guess."

Jason Spoor · Post by **Jason Spoor** » Thu Feb 01, 2007 6:29 am

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures -- the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length."