A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."
The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"
She replies, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."
Clean, Friendly Jokes
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Jason Spoor
- They Call Me Roops
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Jason Spoor
- They Call Me Roops
- Posts: 600
- Joined: Wed Jan 17, 2007 4:42 pm
- Contact:
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Casey Fisher
- Ph. D. Kellogg Studies
- Posts: 644
- Joined: Wed Jan 17, 2007 8:57 am
- Location: Kellogg A&W
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Jason Spoor
- They Call Me Roops
- Posts: 600
- Joined: Wed Jan 17, 2007 4:42 pm
- Contact:
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Jason Spoor
- They Call Me Roops
- Posts: 600
- Joined: Wed Jan 17, 2007 4:42 pm
- Contact:
A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop rather intimidated, but the girls took charge to help him.
"What color?" they asked. He settled for white.
"How much does it cost?" he asked. "Twenty dollars."
"Very good," he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea.
"Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts?
Grape fruits? Oranges?"
"No," he said, "nothing like that."
"Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles."
He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears?"
"What color?" they asked. He settled for white.
"How much does it cost?" he asked. "Twenty dollars."
"Very good," he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea.
"Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts?
Grape fruits? Oranges?"
"No," he said, "nothing like that."
"Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles."
He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears?"
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Jason Spoor
- They Call Me Roops
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This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building with a sign "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry." "Hans Olaffsen?", he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?"
So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"
The old man answers "Is name of owner."
The visitor asks "Well, who is the owner?"
"I am he," answers the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, " Hans Olaffsen." She look at me say, "What your name?" I say, "Sam Ting."
So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"
The old man answers "Is name of owner."
The visitor asks "Well, who is the owner?"
"I am he," answers the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, " Hans Olaffsen." She look at me say, "What your name?" I say, "Sam Ting."
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Mike Nordin
- KHS's Original Lost Boy
- Posts: 554
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- Location: Outback Records and Tapes
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Jason Spoor
- They Call Me Roops
- Posts: 600
- Joined: Wed Jan 17, 2007 4:42 pm
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Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living.
Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."
Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."
All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.
Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do ?"
Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?"
"He turned blue and shat on the carpet."
Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."
Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."
All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.
Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do ?"
Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?"
"He turned blue and shat on the carpet."
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Jason Spoor
- They Call Me Roops
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- Joined: Wed Jan 17, 2007 4:42 pm
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Two retired ladies were on the beach in Miami.
They were discussing the fact that if they go
for a swim, someone might steal their cigarettes,
but if they take the cigarettes with them, they
will get soaked. Then they notice a gorgeous girl
walking out of the ocean. She reaches into the top
of her swimsuit, pulls out a perfectly dry
cigarette and book of matches and lights up. The
ladies go up to the girl and ask, "How do you keep
your cigarettes dry?" Her answer, "I put them inside
of a condom."
The women rush to a pharmacy and ask for a
condom. When the pharmacist asks, "What size?" one of
the ladies says, "It should fit a Camel."
They were discussing the fact that if they go
for a swim, someone might steal their cigarettes,
but if they take the cigarettes with them, they
will get soaked. Then they notice a gorgeous girl
walking out of the ocean. She reaches into the top
of her swimsuit, pulls out a perfectly dry
cigarette and book of matches and lights up. The
ladies go up to the girl and ask, "How do you keep
your cigarettes dry?" Her answer, "I put them inside
of a condom."
The women rush to a pharmacy and ask for a
condom. When the pharmacist asks, "What size?" one of
the ladies says, "It should fit a Camel."
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Jason Spoor
- They Call Me Roops
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- Joined: Wed Jan 17, 2007 4:42 pm
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A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"
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Jason Spoor
- They Call Me Roops
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In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette"
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."
The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"
He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette"
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."
The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"
He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"
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Jason Spoor
- They Call Me Roops
- Posts: 600
- Joined: Wed Jan 17, 2007 4:42 pm
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The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the
brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the
butt of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says,
"Hey! Cut it out, alright!"
The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with
his tongue and licks the butt of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns
around and cuffs the rear tiger and says,
"I said stop it!" The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the butt
of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear
tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"
The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate an Oklahoma Sooner fan and I'm trying to get
the taste out of my mouth!"
brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the
butt of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says,
"Hey! Cut it out, alright!"
The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with
his tongue and licks the butt of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns
around and cuffs the rear tiger and says,
"I said stop it!" The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the butt
of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear
tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"
The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate an Oklahoma Sooner fan and I'm trying to get
the taste out of my mouth!"
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Casey Fisher
- Ph. D. Kellogg Studies
- Posts: 644
- Joined: Wed Jan 17, 2007 8:57 am
- Location: Kellogg A&W
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Jason Spoor
- They Call Me Roops
- Posts: 600
- Joined: Wed Jan 17, 2007 4:42 pm
- Contact:
During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
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Jason Spoor
- They Call Me Roops
- Posts: 600
- Joined: Wed Jan 17, 2007 4:42 pm
- Contact:
A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started
feeling ill. "Mommy," she said. "Can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up
behind a bush." In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes," the little girl replied.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and
return so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." the little girl replied.
"They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'."
feeling ill. "Mommy," she said. "Can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up
behind a bush." In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes," the little girl replied.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and
return so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." the little girl replied.
"They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'."
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Jason Spoor
- They Call Me Roops
- Posts: 600
- Joined: Wed Jan 17, 2007 4:42 pm
- Contact:
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
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Jason Spoor
- They Call Me Roops
- Posts: 600
- Joined: Wed Jan 17, 2007 4:42 pm
- Contact:
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Jason Spoor
- They Call Me Roops
- Posts: 600
- Joined: Wed Jan 17, 2007 4:42 pm
- Contact:
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office
worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy,
and LeRoy," she answered.
"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to
come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all
come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"
worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy,
and LeRoy," she answered.
"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to
come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all
come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"
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Jason Spoor
- They Call Me Roops
- Posts: 600
- Joined: Wed Jan 17, 2007 4:42 pm
- Contact:
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Jason Spoor
- They Call Me Roops
- Posts: 600
- Joined: Wed Jan 17, 2007 4:42 pm
- Contact:
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are
playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he
says, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your
wife's breast."
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball
250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife
with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her
swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and
THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft.
"That was great," the pro says with a straight face.
"Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're
supposed to!"
playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he
says, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your
wife's breast."
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball
250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife
with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her
swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and
THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft.
"That was great," the pro says with a straight face.
"Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're
supposed to!"