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In Africa, some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine-chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression.

In America, they call it golf.

Thanks Jason!

Now I know what's wrong with me,......and my game.

NP Chris

my jokes may not always be funny but at least they can be educational.

There were two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15
years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of
time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking
the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your
wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop
her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf."

Jack's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Jack, "There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that hurts."

She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she asked, "What happened?"

"She knows now," Jack replied.

Doug and Bill were at the racetrack. Doug says, "You know, if you win $600 on a race, the track tells the government."

Bill says, "Well it could be worse."

Doug replies, "What could be worse than telling the government you won $600?"

Bill sighs, "Telling your spouse."

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?"

Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"

"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good ... mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:

"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:

"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an older man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

A little boy had been pawing over a stationer's stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, "Just what is it you're looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend, Anniversary or a congratulations to your mom and dad?"

The boy shook his head and answered, "Got any like a blank report card?"

Johnny was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class that each school day starts with the Pledge of Allegiance and instructed them to put their right hand over their heart and repeat after him.

As he starts the recitation he looks around the room, "I pledge allegiance... to the flag..." When his eyes fell on Johnny he found he had his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.

"Johnny, I will not continue till you put you hand over your heart."

Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."

After several attempts to get Johnny to put his hand over his heart the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit she pats me there and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."

A robber walks into a bank, produces a gun and points to the teller saying, "Give me all the money or you'll be geography."

The teller looks up and says, "Don't you mean history?"

The robber replies, "Don't change the subject."

Bob was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of common knowledge and his fairly low IQ.

He turned to his wife Marlene with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

Marlene replies, "Why thank you, dear!"

A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list. "Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"My babysitter's boyfriend."

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."

Billy's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the acting roles for the school play were being posted that day, he asked Billy if he got a part.

Billy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

LOL

Edna and her husband Tom were trying to decide what to make for the important dinner that was upcoming.

She said, "We aren't going to have mushrooms because they are too expensive."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed."

She said, "No, I don't want to do that. I've heard that wild mushrooms are poisonous."

He said, "I don't think so. I see the critters eating them all the time and it never has affected them."

After thinking about it for a while, Edna decided to give it a try. She got in the pickup and drove down to the pasture and picked a large basketful. She brought them back home and washed, sliced and diced them to use in her favorite smothered steak recipe. Then she went out to the porch and put a couple of handfuls in Ol' Rex's bowl. She even added some bacon grease to make them tasty for the old dog. Ol' Rex didn't slow down until he'd eaten every bite.

All morning, Edna watched Ol' Rex and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him at all, so she went ahead and served them to her company that evening.

It was an important dinner, and Edna had hired Carol, a lady from town, to come out and help her serve. She wore a white apron and a little cap on her head ... first class all the way ... and the meal was a great success.

After everyone had finished eating, they all moved to the living room to relax and socialize. After about 30 minutes, Carol came in and whispered in Edna's ear, "Mrs. Brown, I'm sorry to tell you this, but Ol' Rex just died."

With this news, Edna went into hysterics! When she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I'll get there as quick as I can. We'll have to give everyone an enema and pump their stomach, but I'm sure everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."

It wasn't long before they heard the wail of the siren as the ambulance approached. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases, syringes and a stomach pump. The doctor arrived shortly after.

One by one, they took each person into the master bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everyone will be fine now. Just rest for a few more hours before you attempt to drive home," and he left.

They were all sitting in the living room, looking peaked but grateful, when Carol came in to see if they needed anything.

On her way out of the room, she stopped and said, "You know, that fellow who ran over Ol' Rex never even slowed down!"