Clean, Friendly Jokes

[Casey Fisher]

Good one Roops. Way to start off the new month.

[Jason Spoor]

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

[Jason Spoor]

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

[Gwen Johnson]

I hope I won't offend anyone by posting a funny. I got this in e-mail from my sister today:
(Obviously written by a man...)
While I was watching the football games last weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass.

[Jason Spoor]

lol, good work Gwen.

[Gwen Johnson]

Jason
You find such an amazing collection of funnies to share with us. I only come across them on occasion, but I thought this one was worth sharing. Thanks for keeping us laughing on a daily basis.

[Mike Nordin]

O.K., I usually just sit and enjoy Jason's jokes, and I really can't come up with many, but since Gwen is getting on board, here is a funny historical quote:

Winston Churchill once was at a formal dinner with dignitaries, royalty, and other politians and their spouses. Winston, who was insistant on being himself, lit up a cigar and continued with his rough personality.
It didn't take long before he insulted a fine lady of his own age group, so she said,"How rude! Sir, if you were my husband I would posion your tea!"
Winston's reply, "Frankly my dear, if you were my wife, I would drink it!"

Sometimes I think you have to be a history buff to appreciate stories like that.

[Jason Spoor]

Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening as they have done for the past 35 years. Max, the older, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife.

At the end of the card game Ed said to Max, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?"

Max replied, "Why ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all."

"Memory school? What memory school?"

Max thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower...?"

"A rose?"

"Yeah...that's it!" Max turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?"

[Mike Nordin]

O.k., here's another history quote.

Abraham Lincoln was in the process of being needled by congress of the time, most of whom didn't like Lincoln, about his choice of U.S. Grant as his lead General in the field. They were complaining about him being a drunk. Lincoln's reply,"well, find out what brand he drinks and pass it out to the rest of the Generals!"
At this time Grant was one of the only Generals winning their battles.

[Jason Spoor]

The minister had just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday after the surgery, he only preached for 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday he preached for 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way: "The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were still hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures and I couldn't stop talking!"

[Jason Spoor]

Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for extraordinary treatment of arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this rushed up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"

"Gave me a longer cane."

[Jason Spoor]

This guy loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.

So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.

He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?"

"Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."

[Jason Spoor]

Nurse Kathy walks into a bank.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
She looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says,
"Well, that's great..........that's really great.........Some a..h.le's got my pen."

[Jason Spoor]

The new bride, went crying to her mother. "Momma, I can't get my husband to do anything. I want him to fix up the house, and he keeps putting it off."

"Honey," her mother replied, "after being married to your father for twenty-six years, I've found the only way to get him to do anything is to tell him he's too old."

[Jason Spoor]

Little Susan was mother's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guests came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing.

"Susan," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's place."

"I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan. "Daddy says . . . he always eats like a horse!"

[Jason Spoor]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat down beside him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know,what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get away from me"

[Jason Spoor]

Nancy had a habit of biting her nails. She finaly decided to do something about this nasty habit and thought it would be a great idea to get "Press-on" nails. When she told her husband of the idea he said,

"Great idea, Honey," as he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box."

[Jason Spoor]

A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

[Jason Spoor]

An uncertain and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"

"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."

"Whom did you marry?"

"Well, a woman."

The lawyer bellowed angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"

To which the witness replied meekly, "My sister did."

[Gwen Johnson]

I got this one from a colleague this morning:

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I can tell you exactly how many cows and calves you ahve in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area to produce an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the difital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through and ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with e-mail on his Blackberry and after a few minutes receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.:

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government," says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep...
Now give me back my dog."