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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding
her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not
intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing
up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down,
then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there
is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch.

A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A
neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked
great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just
right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was
stuck again.

The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine
until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again
our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure
the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that
the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.

A Texas game warden came upon a coyote caught in a trap. He returned to his office and called the Oklahoma game warden and told him one of his coyotes was caught in a trap.

"How do you know it's one of our coyotes?" asked the Oklahoma game warden.

"Well," replied the Texas game warden, "He's already chewed off three of his legs and he's still trapped!"

Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear
tire suffers a flat. While Jones is changing the tire, another car
goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug
nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.

Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when
he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the
inmates has been watching the whole thing.

"Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other
three wheels? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage
or something."

Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes
the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident.
Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was
pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?"

The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not
because I'm stupid."

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, “Ma’am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them.”

The woman thinks to herself, “No, not my brother… he’s an idiot!”

She asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”

“Denise.”

“Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name?”

“Denephew.”

A lady with a large flowery hat was stopped at the church door by the
usher. "Are you a friend of the bride ?" he asked.

"Certainly not," she snapped, "I'm the groom's mother."

Nice ones my fellow Wildcats...

A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees
a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says,
"What the hell is that all about?"

The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop and all
his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some
clothes to keep him warm. There ain't nothing funnier than
watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his
pants down with the other."

Seventy year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests
came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "George everything looks
great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at
peace with your self and have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up
in the middle of the night, poof!...the light goes on and I go to the
bathroom and then poof! the light goes off!"
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, 'That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he
said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call you
because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets
up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom and then
poof! The light goes off?"
Thelma replied, "Oh God! He's peeing in the fridge again!"

Two Polish guys went away on their annual hunting expedition, and
by accident one was shot by the other. His worried companion got
him out of the deep woods, into the car, and off to the nearest
hospital.

"Well, Doc," he inquired anxiously, "is he going to make it?"

"It's tough," said the doctor. "He'd have a better chance if you
hadn't gutted him first."

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go
home and think of a story to tell, and then conclude the moral of that
story.

The following day when the teacher asks for the first volunteer to
tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the
truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday
we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the
road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies,
"Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we
take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only
8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the
story. Lucy replies, "Don't count your chickens before they're
hatched."

Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his
plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it
crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the
way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in
the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine
gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed
20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten
with his bare hands."

Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any
moral to his story.

Billy replies, "Don't mess with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

'Attaboy Roops. Nice one.

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish
funeral?

One less drunk.

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have
a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them
the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, show's her
the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull
down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the
highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that
tube."
"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

A florist received an outraged telephone call from a man who had moved his restaurant to a new spot in town. The restaurant owner had been sent a funeral wreath along with a card that read: SINCEREST SYMPATHIES. The florist realized that he must have mixed up two orders and shuddered to think of the flowers that should have gone to the restaurant man.He had sent to the funeral a clover design of red roses across which was a bright green ribbon bearing the inscription: BEST OF LUCK IN YOUR NEW LOCATION.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?)

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think

A man was complaining to a friend.
"I had it all. Money, a beautiful house, a BIG car, the love of a
beautiful woman, then, POW! it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out."

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Rippington says, "I'll tell him."