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A young boy, about eight years old, walks into the local
grocery store and picks our a huge box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly,
asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Nope, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog!"
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very
powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick.
In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent
to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still
tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some
candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said sadly.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was
sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use
that detergent on your dog!"
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent
that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"

Boooooooooooooo!!!

How do you get four old ladies to say the F word?

Have the fifth one say.... BINGO!

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends
$5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home
he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to
the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you
think I am?" "About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order
taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".

"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same
question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is
going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a
mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes
I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let
her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady
says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds."

Nice one Big Dawg...

Why don't cannibals eat comedians?




They taste funny.

The girl knelt in the confessional and said,
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity.
Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror
and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl,
and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't
a sin... it's simply a mistake."

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a
dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong!
Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde
thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.
The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to
her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I
can name ALL the state capitals!" The guy doesn't believe her, so she
dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?" The
blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"

Since out 40 year class reunion is scheduled for this summer, here is an appropriate joke:

Getting old is so hard at times. Yesterday I got my Preparation H mixed up with my Poli-Grip...NOW, I talk like an asshole...but my gums don't itch!

For all you golfers out there!!!!


A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf
with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into a
pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around
noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball
with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's
backside."
"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor. "
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife,
'Hey, this looks like yours!'.
I don't remember much after that."

In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that
indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature
bothered me though. The three wise men were wearing
firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind
the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage,
yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything
about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the
counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her
finger at a particular passage.

Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The
three wise men came from afar.'"

A man went to the doctor to get a physical, after
the doctor examined him, he told the man he had
some bad news... he had cancer and alzheimers.
The man replied, " Well, at least I don't have
cancer"

Recently I received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I
could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back.

I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him
in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot,

I quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said


"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I
fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
unforgivable behavior."

I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change
in his behavior, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"



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